Sleep

When I close my eyes
I know I will forget all cries

every night, I die inside
knowing you are so far away

like a uni-coloured rainbow
like a sunny day without warmth
all beauty loses colour

when i close my eyes,
tonight
i hope i dream of you...

(Pre)Interlude

This is hopefully the prelude to a new blog I wanted to start once I started living in London. However, the living was so stressful that I just couldn't bring myself to write about it. Has that ever happened to you? When it's like writing about something is living it once again and that is just too painful to contemplate?

So the name of the blog was supposed to be "London I" something like a pun on the famous London Eye, my eyes being newly made normal and of course London & I. But now that I have explained what it means, the charm is lost somewhere, the mystery and the allure...ok if it possessed any of these things, they would have been lost. So I have decided to stick to this blog (yay!) and instead upgrade it. Make it swankier (read: not pink!) and add cool pictures, links etc. Let's see could I make it a current event special, or maybe a gossip special (I suppose gossip from my workplace wouldn't appeal to the larger palate)...hmm yeah I know it could be a general outlook of my usually boring life...like it already was.

With that optimistic (pessimistic) thought, thus ends the brief interlude...a transition between student and real life...now you will either hear from me very often...or never.

Top five benefits of a hazy world

This post has been written in the post-operative discomfort of a person recovering from Lasik. Just a quick aside before I launch into the topic at hand: don't go for the surgery if you expect to jump up from the operation table and run around. Expect blurry vision, headaches and the surgeon reassuring you about the astounding success of the operation while you just want to get your contacts or even your spectacles back cuz your eyes are screaming for them and your optical nerves are bursting for relief. It's been 4 days and I am wondering if I am exaggerating...will let you know in another week or so.

So now to the topic of discussion: (in countdown style, never done this kinda thing before)
5) You never notice the dirt: Take off your spectacles, don't wear your lenses and unless it smells, even the yuckiest toilet, like one of those in the stop-over hotels on the Delhi highway seems like they are in a five star hotel. (of course its not advisable to become blind in one of those places, jeez it was just an example!)
4) You can get off from doing a lot of work if something has happened to your visual aids: "i can't see..."
3) Even if you accidentally break your teeth when the world is hazy for you, people don't blame you. (Of course, you have broken teeth and people might laugh at you for years)
2) You don't need to swim if you don't want to: you can always blame the haziness
1) When everything is blurry, and then you suddenly wear your glasses or contacts and things come into focus, you are pleasantly surprised everytime: it's such a beautiful world.

Nah, Lasik (even without all my discomfort) just doesnt come anywhere close.

Lights

This is possibly the last Diwali as I know it. No, the world is not about to end. Last Diwali for me. The Last Diwali at home for a long time if things go according to the way they are planned at the moment. For a extremely non-religious person, I have a surprising love of festivals. Christmas doesn't count because that's always been more about the gifts and the parties in my experience. I am talking about Indian festivals: the extravagant ones. I would love to go out and play Holi if I had the chance but usually don't for various reasons, usually the lack of people! Even Durga Puja holds a special place in my heart, though being a "Non-Bong" I am obliged to crib about it. (Was going to write a post about it, but as most posts it was written in my head and never translated into typed words in virtuality)

But it is Diwali which has captured my heart. Completely. There is something about Diwali. It comes upon you slowly but when it's there you just can't ignore it. It bursts like those illegal crackers, creating as much sound as light. Lights. Why do I like them so much? Give me a pretty light over a pretty flower anyday. In Calcutta, add Kali Puja lights to Diwali and it's CESC's lucky day. Or days. The day before Diwali, I am invariably in the streets in the evening for some much grumbled against errand. But the moment I descend the last step of my building (yeah, we have no lift, die unfit jealous critic) and glimpse the streets and the balconies, their twinkling lights (LED mostly nowadays) all my complaints are forgotten (unless I have been wrested cruelly from the grips of an awesome book...aah thats irrelevant to this topic isn't it?).

It is in my home though that I find the most amount of excitement. Diwali also happens to be my Grandmum's birthday. And birthdays are a huge affair in my home. H-U-G-E. So other than the usual Rangoli (made by yours truly), the puja inscriptions (mum) and the sundry decorarations, flowers, diyas, puja shopping, we have people coming over for lunch and sometimes dinner. Cake and Kheer (for the lucky few who don't know what this is, you are blessed my friends. For the really curious, its a sweet liquidy thing, my advice: Stay away!!) are mandatory of course. Add to that 3 people with high blood pressure, usually short-tempered and harried with work Mum and Me (keep popping up, don't I?) and I don't think I should waste words here anymore.

New clothes were a huge attraction when I was younger but now it's the one time of the year I buy a Salwar suit, so not much practical use there. Fireworks and crackers have lost much of their crackle. Literally, as anyone living in West Bengal will know. The illegal sounds are the heralder of Diwali from weeks in advance and a noisy reminder days later. I still love them with the enthusiasm of a child. Probably with more than the enthusiasm of today's spoilt brats, no offense. But that's not it. Could it be the actual Puja? The ceremony in our home is simplistic to say the least. No one even sits still throughout the whole ceremony, and there are frequent fights in the middle between the participants, so none of the fabled peace and quiet of a religious ceremony here.

I have enough reasons to be sad on Diwali too. The most tangible reason was when I got burnt while picking up used sparklers. But the intangible ones are the places and people who sit in the darkness even on this day. For whom even affording a light is no mean achievement. The others are those who might be able to afford one but whose light will never reach their lives. For every little diya on a dark staircase, there are dark staircases without diyas. For every little girl/boy with a happy smile and a phuljari (sparkler), there is one without. My heart fills with despair and for that moment, even the brightest light can't fill the darkness...

As I lighted the second diya from the first one and plopped it down on the narrow verandah, a little more light cut through the night. Then the same thing happened with the third. Nothing strange about this. But it gave me an idea. What if I just gave one candle or diya to those in the darkness? If each of us did that, wouldn't one light spread to another... at least on this one special day couldn't there be a little less darkness? I did that today, did you?

Rewind.

This too shall pass

is that a thought designed to comfort

or harass?

Ever wondered

what we shall be?

Ever wondered

what we should be?

The harsh word he spoke today

Who will know?

That little victory on friday

Those who know, will they care?

Living for the moment 

Isn't all its cut out to be

Is there any increment

In the brownie-points you've earned

Just for this life?

I am the best I could be

But I am not good enough

I am the worst I thought anyone could be 

And I still ain't bad enough

I am just another soul

Another hole

Another fool

Fooled by heaven.

and fooled by hell.

As my eyes shut

in wakeful slumber

I still don't know if it has been enough.

But I know I couldn't take anymore.

Here's to the next.

Cheers.

Rain.

This was the day that Party got wet in the Rain.

Brewing strong.

Discontent had no place in Party's realm.

Something was wrong.

Amidst the puffs and the cremes.

It had all started out fine.

The morning spent in tasting wine.

At a wedding and then at the scene of a crime.

The crime of living a lifetime.

And dying.

The night before that had been the same.

So had the century.

The lights. The drinks. The buzz.

Aah. It remained a pleasant fuzz.

It started with the disco strobes.

And ended with the Doctor's pokes.

And in between lay Party's Lands.

The jokes. The giggles. The hands. 

There was an Irony somewhere.

But Party hadn't ever met him.

There was Reality somewhere.

But he could wait.

But it was Joy which had its way.

You know her.

You've seen her on the simplest of days.

And in the sweetest of smiles.

Joy caught Party unaware.

In between a Rave and a Rant.

Before she felt the pull.

There was rain.

This was the day that Party met Joy in the rain.

The truth about love

"every song i sing...i sing for you..."

This is a line from a famous John Denver song...I don't know the history or reason behind this song...i dont know who he wrote it for...i will proceed on the assumption it was written for someone he loves...
Love is not about singing...love is not about dancing...that's just in the movies...i can't speak for everyone but love is something else altogether for me...
Maybe it's me...i don't know...but love is like standing at the edge of a cliff...love is actually jumping...because you are too crazy...not in love...but in anger...
Love is not being able to live with that person...not being able to live without him...
Love is being bored with the sameness of it all...love is hating change...
If there is anything is normal about love...i haven't found it yet...god knows i've looked...

One of those many nights when i lie awake after a fight, I wonder why...why I am subjecting myself to this. One of those many afternoons when the phone has been banged...i stare at my blank computer screen wondering...wondering if it's worth it...
When i see him smile the next instant...i know it is...for that moment...

All these moments have made three years...and i know that all the songs he sings are not for me...love is hoping that one day it might be...