3rd from the Start

                                                                   3rd from the Start 

Dearest Rish,

                           I decided to start a short poem series for your birthday this year which should be a realistic enough goal to continue for every year.  If I start to write a note, it may never end.  So I thought a poem might be more contained and express my (sometimes sappy but always beautiful) overwhelming emotions more succinctly:

If its true that all the world’s a stage, then we were all supposed to be the star of our own show,

And we are that blazing star just like a heroine in &Juliet if we choose to be but somewhere somehow we get stuck.

Parents aren’t what they were supposed to be, or school wasn’t or that first job wasn’t,

I was the star too but I got lost mid-way, wondered what my purpose was, wondered if I was good enough through the best years of my life,

I didn’t know I wanted you but there you were suddenly, a little speck, almost unreal, somewhere in my belly.

I was never lonely after that for nine months, even if I was alone and my thoughts were never my own, only that I would safely hypnobirth this little baby growing inside me,

When you were in my arms after a strangely gratifying labour and birthing process, I couldn’t stop staring at you and touching you;

No one and nothing had prepared me for the avalanche of emotion and madness that followed where my mind was split into two – one loving you and the other wanting my old life back;

But whenever I saw you and held you, there was only ever awe, and an overwhelming loss of my immortality complex in the face of your beautiful creation;

Living in the moment wasn’t just a new year’s resolution but a necessity to keep up with this precocious, ever changing ball of contradictions,

My stage was not my own anymore but I was slowly learning from you to be its star again, re-parenting myself with your guidance;

Whether today I am your favourite parent or not, you remain my favourite conscious soul, happy 3^rd my love!

Love, Consciously

Why do we have children? The fact that I can even ask this questions signals that I am one of those lucky few women who have a choice over their own bodies and reproductive rights and everything I write here is qualified with that gratefulness.  But to go back to the original question, we all have very personal reasons why we have children.  I thought about it a lot pre-kid but I always knew we would have one as my husband was so sure he wanted one.  He wouldn’t be able to tell me why he did but his unwavering certainty allowed my doubts to quell a bit.  So we had one. Rish.  And he changed my perspective on everything! This isn’t a bubbly, frothy, mothers day post about how he is the best thing to happen to me.  That’s subjective and what he has done isn’t subjective.  He is objectively the single most important factor for my personal growth and my own little mindfulness inspiration.    

In the last year, the theoretical teachings of two of my gurus have merged with the practicalities of Raising Rish.  Conscious parenting from @Drshefali and the @artofliving from @srisriravishankar aren’t just mantras I hear and forget but they form a part of my core and my values.  It just also means that I examine every action and every word which I speak to my child.  Some people might call this over-thinking but then the alternative is to let my ego override my consciousness which I am unwilling to do.    

How were we parented though? I have really been reflecting on that too.  Conscious Parenting philosophy says that all our issues arise from how unconsciously we were parented ourselves thereby projecting the same unconsciousness onto our children.  Mark Wolyn takes that even further when he goes into generational trauma and epigenetics affecting everything from our diet, our temper and our fears.  Is this a nice thought on Mother’s Day? No and it is worse to suggest to your own mother as I bravely did one time.  Strangely enough though, she took it much better than I thought she would.  Along with the expected (you had a great childhood! and I really did, all things considered) came the unexpected (what does this mean and how do you apply it?) and then it made me think- yes there was some additional enmeshment, yes there were punishments which wouldn’t be super “conscious” when examined through today’s lens.  But even without the benefit of everything we know today, there were glimmers of conscious parenting shining through (I was never hit, I was able to voice my opinions and stop tennis or piano but continue with dance). 

Maybe it was unconscious consciousness? Just as I know, I now have some conscious unconsciousness.  I just know one thing remains the same with mothers through the generations.  Love.  With a slight twist, for me: Love, Consciously.  Happy Mothers (Mindfulness) Day!  

AI v me - Competing on verse and soul

Recently, I had some time so I decided to give ChatGPT a spin.   I asked it some deep existential questions. Nah.  Actually I just asked it (is that the right way to address ChatGPT in terms of its gender identity? I guess we will only know when ChatGPT publishes its/their profile on Linkedin and adds the parentheses on pronouns/genders) some questions on recent books and short writing assignments I was considering.  First of all, I congratulate the ones who conceptualised, programmed and created ChatGPT.  It is brilliant and I can understand why Microsoft wants to fire employees and find the budget to invest in it (I am sure those employees are less understanding than I am).  I think this proves beyond doubt that AI has already begun replacing humans at least in terms of the balance sheet numbers for companies. 

The focus of my search was related marginally to this theme of AI replacing humans.  But I am not an engineer or a coder, despite my lack of trying (you saw what I did there?), only a recent born-again closet writer and a spiritualist so I will aim to test out ChatGPT only in matters of verse and soul.  Less action, more words.  Here we go:

--

Poem 1:

Eros, the god of love and desire,

With bow and arrow, hearts he'll inspire.

He brings passion and ecstasy,

In every heart, a flame will be.

Ponos, the god of toil and work,

With strength and sweat, he'll make us perk.

He brings discipline and perseverance,

To reach our goals, with tireless endurance.

Eros and Ponos, two sides of the same coin,

One brings joy, the other toil and toil.

But both play a role in our lives,

Eros for love, Ponos for strive.

Eros brings us to the heights of pleasure,

Ponos helps us to measure,

The strength of our will and our might,

To overcome obstacles, day and night.

Eros and Ponos, together they'll guide,

To a balanced life, with love by our side.

We'll work hard, and love with all our heart,

With Eros and Ponos, we'll never depart.

---

Poem 2:

Eros and Ponos had never met, not while they lived in Greece at the same time,  

But they lived in her mind, co-existed while living parallel lives, always by her side.

She lived in a state of constant search, 

Always seeking the next Tinder date, the next Linkedin job alert,

Forever driven by Eros and egged on by Ponos.

One day she decided she would take them out for drinks instead of the Google engineer she had found on Bumble,

Her intentions focused on making the twain meet and settle the Battle of her Headspace (rather than an evening of retrenchment grumble). 

Why, she asked, can you not join forces and help me find joy in career and love?

Your methods so similar, your rejection so cold and that elusive success of legends old. 

I have danced the dance of strengths and weaknesses with many a senior interviewer,

Eluded the advances of unsuitably budgeted startup roles,

Only to be left at the altar by my bad lover dream job.  

 

Many a long and impressive resume have had me swooning after dreamy bankers,

There was speed bed-working, intense love-storming but they all burnt out after the all-nighters, 

Finally I signed on the contract to be employed forever,

How would I know it would end with a cold email break-up?

Eros smiled her charming smile while Ponos stopped frowning for a while,

There is no separating us in your mind, my child.

Ponos exists to make you work but there is no Eros without work,

Careers aren’t forever but skills built on the job can be.

Love can be forever, as long as you loved yourself first,

The Tale of Eros and Ponos is the Tale of Eternity,

Of every human, of you.

 ---

Your job is to tell me which one ChatGPT wrote and which one is mine.  I wont mind if you like Chat GPT's version better but you may not like the near future of homo sapiens much in that case. Let me know y'all? I will be chatting up ChatGPT some more in the meantime. 

2022 going on 2023: Rabbit to the Tiger

 

What did the Rabbit say to the Tiger: its ok if you missed reflecting on 2022 changing to 2023 – new years differ in every culture (western and Chinese in this case) so its fair to reflect on either (or both).  I am writing this at the end of the Chinese year festivities but reminiscing about the Western year end celebrations, so I am doing both I guess. 

2022 or year of the Tiger (also my Chinese zodiac coincidentally) was a year which made me both sanguine and wary about the human condition.

It was a year I completed a record number of interviews, got a record number of offers and then ended up without any job at all for 1.5 months (all records are judged against my own previous ones).  It was therefore a year where I realized I am much more than my job and my career and the vagaries of any employer. 

It was a year where some friendships and relationships seemed fuller and more enriching than ever while others dulled maybe never to flower again.  It was also the year I realized that the deepest wounds can hurt less if the balm of love and family can be applied at the right time.

It was a year where I finished reading Sapiens and Conscious Parent and internalized both within my parenting and in life only to wonder where the parent ends and the child begins.   

It was a year when travel came back in full force and the term ‘revenge travel’ was born after COVID mostly retreated.  But for once I didn’t feel any FOMO.  Travelling less, travelling well and travelling with the right people became paramount and the most enjoyable. 

It was a year where inner richness was the focus by concentrating on meditation and breath-work so that even when the outer world seemed uncontrollable (and it is, always uncontrollable) I could begin to control my anxiety and inner world more efficiently.

Finally, it was a year where I realized that happiness comes from everything when my mind is in the “right” place (right brain- relationship oriented while left brain- task oriented) but no one dictates whether, why or when I can be happy.  Only I hold that power, truly.   

1^st of January 2023 was exactly that sort of irreconcilably happy day with some of the best people in my life.  2023 and Year of the Tiger both look good to me right now.